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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.