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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.