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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.