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I hate when Iām about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.