Daily Silly Status

I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....

When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.

Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?

Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right

Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza

If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.

I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com

If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.

My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.

My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying