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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.