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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late