Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
There is no time to check time
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.