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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).