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Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.