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We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy