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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)