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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.