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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.