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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.