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I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”