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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
I just blew all my party money on bills again
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”