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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
So long pants! See you Monday!
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms