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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.