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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!