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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.