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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.