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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective