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Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.