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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
when in Rome get naked ;)
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.