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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
This headache feels like dumb people
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.