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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape