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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.