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If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore