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Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.