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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.