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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."