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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!