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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!