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What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Trying to remain humble but Iām the most famous person in my living room right now.