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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
Life is fun! You should get one.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.