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My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.