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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"