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Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
You look like I need another drink
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.