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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome