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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.