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Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”