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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".