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A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Iām glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-