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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!