Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?