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Haters are my motivators(:
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Word for today: Dipshidiot
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.