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Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
sleep is for people without netflix
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.