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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
So you think you can study with your facebook activated? That`s cute! ^.^
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.