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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...