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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
I like people the most when I`m by myself.