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Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.