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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.