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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
I flunked anger management class.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.