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Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.