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It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.