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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.