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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.