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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.