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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
Iām tired of things costing money.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.