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Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.