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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.