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Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
I had your cake and ate it too.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.