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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.