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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.