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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.