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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M