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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.