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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.