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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.