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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.