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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.